redemption

I will start this entry with the tale of 3 women. Itago natin sa pangalang Aida, Lorna at Fe. And it revolves around a man named Ben. Aida, Lorna and Fe visit his pad to clean his house, wash his soiled briefs and cook his meals.

 

No, they’re not hired help. They are single, thirty-something college graduates (possibly MA holders, I can’t really tell). They teach women to wait on God.

 

Now, I’m just speculating on what’s on their minds as they do those things for that guy Ben, a hotshot from Boracay who speaks good English but looks like a an early predecessor of an unknown obscure tride in Timbuktu (eliminated by better genes over time, thanks to natural selection.)

 

He’s very… uhmmm…EXOTIC, for lack of a better term.

 

Now, Aida, Lorna and Fe awaits your text votes. Text STUPIDCONTEST space NAME of your favorite character and send your choice to a plane going to Boracay. A guide to help you are their pitches (naks, parang telemarketing lang noh):

 

Aida: I just killed ten cockroaches hiding in the cabinet. I sorted his outfits by color and in frequency of use, thanks to that talle I made of what he wears daily. I must be in the center of his heart.”

 

Lorna: “I have memorized all the best recipes in the cookbook and whipped up the best meals. I even bought this bottle of gayuma from Quiapo and placed it on his dessert. Maybe I am the apple of his eye.”

 

Fe: “I did all the dirty stuff: cleaning the CR and removing his pubic hair, which I preserved in a SCARPBOOK; killing all mosquitoes; warding the bad Feng Shui of his home and feeding his exotic pets (e.g. Tara the tarantula, Portia the python, Fara the ferret.)  at my life’s expense. I am the only one who can handle all this fear-factor-like stuff of his life. I must be the qualified winner among us three.”

 

DID THAT JUST DISGUST YOU? But that’s not the most disgusting thing I’ve heard. Because Aidas, Lornas and Fes perpetuate on an exponential scale. With the belief that the ration of women to men is 5:1 and that marketability decreases as women get older, desperate single women bottleneck as more and more birthday candles are blown away and their uterus is on the verge of signaling them that it’s approaching near-extinction and must therefore be used.

 

These 3 women have 100+ IQ’s. They may have their own homes, speak 6 languages, single-handedly support their parents and siblings. They collect Victoria’s Secret colognes, shoes that match their bags, tops that match their earrings and are up to date with the finest of things. They delegate a huge amount of money for spa sessions, pimple-eradicating facials and the latest in hair rebonding technology? Peeling, Vicky Belo and Dr. Calayan makeovers… NAME IT!

 

But they still participate in the rate race of winning a SCUMBAG’s heart, with their perfectly manicured nails and well-trimmed coiffure, doing all his slimy chores and miraculously looking and smelling good when they party with him. All for an ambivalent, swinging, free-to-date-many-women-at-the-same-time and selfish primate who only enjoys the show.

 

That is the logic-defying devastations brought about by the scarcity fallacy, further fuelled by the fear of celibacy.

 

Sometimes, it’s not really the guy’s fault that we are not being treated well. Though there are instances that double standards, fear of commitment and polygamy get the better of men, women are also prone to doing ultra-pathetic things that blow a man’s EGO WAY OUT OF PROPORTION. (I should know. Ooops I have done it. One too many times)

 

Few are the wise women who do not fall for the illusion that there is a scarcity of men and they must grab one before stocks run out! And 90% of men take advantage of the situation. Why not? It’s like a freebie you get in malls. Why pay when you can get as many free tastes as you want?

 

Sure, there really are fewer men. The handsome ones are either taken or gay. The remaining half will be divided to non-commiting assholes na pagkatapos kang landiin ng tatlong linggo ay paaasahin ka lang, men who are just after conquests and challenges of courting really good-looking women, maniacs, rapists, psychopaths. And yes, there are the rare ones…the ones we can actually date and have a future with. They exist. Believe. Receive. PRAYYYYYYY that the one you are dating is one such guy.

 

I guess that’s why women are so prone to clamoring for less-than-average Joes who can’t even keep their promises or pursue women properly. The losers are usually brimming with self-confidence, smooth talking women with words they don’t mean but we women would like to hear (beware of the practiced man!). The ones who are few good, gentle and true, sadly, don’t know how to express themselves in a manner that women can appreciate. That’s why the losers have their field day with all these beautiful women.

 

WOMEN JUST COMPROMISE TOO MUCH THESE DAYS, JUST SO THEY WON’T HAVE TO GO HOME EVERYDAY TO FIND AN EMPTY, MATELESS BED. It doesn’t matter if you’re twenty, thirty or forty. We are so prone to making adjustments for men who clearly don’t deserve it. Kaya lumalaki ang ulo ng mga lintek na babaerong yan eh. Kasi iniisip nila marami silang mauuto.

 

When it comes to having a companion plus children and building a family, I am excited. But I am now weighing in my mind if it’s worth settling for a guy who won’t treat me right just to fulfill that dream. SHOULD I LOWER MY STANDARDS JUST BECAUSE NO ONE MEETS THEM AT THIS POINT IN TIME? IT’S LIKE TELLING A CIVIL ENGINEER TO USE CHALK INSTEAD OF CONCRETE FOR THE BUILDING BECAUSE THERE IS NOT MUCH MATERIAL AVAILABLE FOR CONSTRUCTION.

 

Mind you, not all men who hang out with women take them seriously. In fact, they have a ranking system on who gets the one night stand, the only-for-dateless-emergencies button and harmless-flirtation only.

 

They even have these crude terms for you. You’re a lollipop if you have a pretty face but not a pretty body, a SHRIMP if your body is better than your face and a BAROGA (thanks to Marlon for telling me what this means) is your boobs are bigger than your brains.

 

I have yet to see women ranking men in this way: “Ah, yung boyfriend ko ba? Okay naman siya, medyo hipon pero nakakasundo ko naman. Going strong kami.” Or “Ay mare pwede na yan kahit lollipop siya, kasi maginoong bastos naman. ”

 

(If there are BAROGA men, wow, you have to message me. Show me, then I’ll bring a digicam. Hahaha.)

 

WHAT IS SO BAD ABOUT BEING SINGLE? Being single for life, I mean. Since I fell for the scarcity fallacy and made a million wrong decisions before it hit me, I actually find celibacy more plausible these days.

 

I date men to find my true love. But I am no longer sure if it applies to me, that whole concept of dating men to find your true love. It’s not a trial and error thing, you know. It’s not easy to mend a broken heart. And even the most superficial of attachments of women with men can actually pinch off huge chunks of your heart, kahit two weeks lang kayong naging sweet sa isa’t isa.  

 

Ideally, I want a family. But if in case I stay single forever, I intend to adopt abandoned and sexually abused children. And I would devote the rest of my life for that cause. We put such a premium on romance, but love comes in all forms. And we will never be empty or lonely for as long as there are people to love. Millions all over the world commit suicide for the reason that they feel so unloved. If I can’t find a man who can love me right, then I can at least give some more love to the ones who need it the most—the ones who have no shelter, no parents, and stripped of their dignity because of severe exploitation.

 

Anything is possible now, and I intend to be open to whatever life hands me. And enjoy as much of it as possible.

 

Men are only SCARCE because women cultivate the mindset that they are scarce. As a result, LOSERS GET AWAY WITH THE HIDEOUS STUFF THEY DO TO WOMEN. Screw the statistics. Screw the empty bed.

 

I personally find myself complete, just as I am. Imperfect, but aren’t we all? I ask God to bring me a good man among many other things (YES! GOOD MAN, I BELIEVE YOU ARE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.) If He gives one, that’s really awesome. If He doesn’t, that’s STILL COOL. I know I am beautiful, whether or not God gives me a love life. It’s just an icing to the cake.

 

My only job at the moment is to get rid of the fallacies, aim for wellness. And when all else is done….

 

PARTY LIKE CRAZY in gratitude of the fact that IN WHATEVER CIRCUMSTANCE, I AM ESSENTIALLY A BLESSED PERSON.

In about 26 hours, it’s 2009. Much foreboding fills the coming year as the effects of the global economic crisis pose some threats to our already lagging country.

 

I’ve read somewhere that the Dalai Lama believes that world peace won’t be possible without inner peace. I completely agree with him on that.

 

From where I stand, I can’t change the world. I can’t change my family, my friends, my field and my country.

 

But I can bloom where I am planted and change myself. Promote peace within myself. Build positive memories. Take part in new activities. Aim for holistic wellness. Noble as they may sound, they won’t come to pass unless I make the most fundamental change (and this, I can’t entirely do on my own because some divine intervention is imperative to make it last): how I see myself.

 

I recall how my relatives and teachers called me a ‘late bloomer’. I only started excelling in school when I was 15. Short-lived. When I went to college, I became an ordinary person again (because people in UP are waaaayyyy smarter).

 

In so many ways, I came to realize that I truly am a late bloomer. Even in the most crucial matters of my heart and soul, I was at a slow pace of growth.

 

For example, it was only this month that I got acquainted with the concept of self-preservation. Sure. I date some guys, but I didn’t learn much. I only realized recently that I just went through the motions of what people my age were doing. But I wasn’t really individually and personally prepared for it.

 

I thought things through in my solitude and it was only then that I was formally able to say goodbye to the childish aspects of myself and fully embrace my identity as a woman.

 

I AM A WOMAN. That declaration may seem redundant or insignificant to some people. But it meant a lot to me.

 

That statement led to acceptance and inner peace. I realized that the main reason why I had been restless these past few years is because I haven’t really come to sufficient terms with my womanhood.

 

Inside of me, a little girl remained trapped. Much as I was comfortable with how that little girl dealt with things, I am now living in an adult world. And she, the little girl in me, no longer belonged to that world. Resistant to change and immature, the little girl wheedled her way. The comfort zone she had erected kept me from recognizing that I have indeed become stagnated by staying in the same place and responding to my life in the same way since I was 15 years old.

 

When the rest of the world was temporarily shut out, I was finally able to surrender the little girl in me. The woman in me started to rise to the occasion and with her deft hands started take over.

 

There was a time in my life where I considered myself a kaleidoscope – messy but beautiful. Now, I am no longer a kaleidoscope. I’m Eve’s daughter, part of God’s beautiful creation and the namesake of the face that launched a thousand ships.

 

I am no longer the girl who is occasionally dated by stupid morons who likes to call her only at a time convenient to them. I am no longer the confused lady who settle being at the bottom of her beau’s priority list. I am no longer the helpless victim who refused to care and take responsibility for her life.

 

I AM A WOMAN– a woman who aims for her wellness and beautifies herself further, not to get somebody’s approval. But she does that for her personal pleasure and as a form of worship to her Maker. Aware of my worth now, fearfully and wonderfully made.

 

As such, this person now flatly REFUSES, nay, ABHORS indulging people who don’t take her seriously and trick her into eliciting affections that they know they cannot fully reciprocate.

 

I am a woman, fearful of many uncertainties but UNFLINCHING as she feels the spectrum of her emotions.

 

I AM A WOMAN WORTH WAITING, TRAVELLING (and beyond!), AND STANDING OUT IN THE RAIN FOR. I am not a plaything to be put in a hanging, precarious position and dropped like a hot potato at any given time. In case I decide to date somebody, I at least deserve a LOYALTY that withstands even the temptations of white sand beaches and whatever sh*t this world offers men as an alternative fix.

 

I am a woman, a work in progress but complete nonetheless. Comfortable in her own skin, aware of her strengths and weaknesses.

 

It took a long time for me to bloomed. I bloomed in a season here all my peers already have their secret gardens and are concerned about maintaining it.

 

I’ve only just begun. But I don’t mind. I’m running my own race. The seeds have come of age. I’m building my own garden and its sweet scent shall resonate in 2009. Not necessarily for everyone to see, but for my inner peace.

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR. HAPPY NEW ME.

 

 

 

  

just came from the mountain some days back. the mountain did me a lot of good. one month halos akong hindi nag-internet, killed my plurk account and 6 days na akong walang cellphone. weird siguro tingnan pero sometimes in life, we really need time to think things through and do some soul-searching.

first of all, i would like to take this time to apologize to all the people na nasaktan ko. oo, ikaw. kayong lahat. sorry talaga. magpapakabait na ako and if it requires me na wag maging masyadong prangkista/brutally honest, try ko na lang maging GENTLE next year. as in. major effort. hindi ako magpapakasanta pero try ko lang maging mas mabait sa 2009.

yung mga guys na binasted ko this year. sorry. sorry talaga kung nakasakit ako. wag kayong mag-alala. kinarma na ako last month. kasi may nagustuhan akong guy tapos ni-reject niya ako. so now i know how it feels. just so you know, nasaktan talaga ako, sana na-vindicate kayo sa nangyaring yun.

sorry din sa mga kapraningan na sinulat ko sa blog ko. although people would say na the blog is supposedly a place for ranting…. i believe that if I was gifted with the ability to express myself with words, I should not abuse it. I now vow to make use of this “talent” (? still not convinced) to edify people.

ayan… let’s keep art alive yebah!

second of all (yehess, may pattern ito diba), thank you sa mga naka-touch ng life ko this year. lahat ng mga nanlibre sa akin, lahat ng nagregalo, bumati at kung anu-ano pa. dear reader, kung alam mo na may nagawa kang favor for me this year, please accept this huge THANK YOU from me. and samahan na natin ng virtual hug hahaha.

even sa mga taong nasaktan ako. salamat kasi it made me strong. really strong.

uhmmm ano pa ba…

ayun na muna siguro.

ayyy eto malupet. important announcement!

nagbabalak akong wag mag-cellphone for the entire year 2009. at kung maiiwasan ko ng tuluyan, hindi na din ako magi-internet.

so, if you need to contact me, i can give you my landline. and my home address for snail mail. haha. okay?

hope we all have a happy happy christmas and wonderful new year.

God bless!

isang linggo.

isang buong linggo hinintay kong tumawag siya sa akin.

sobrang gulong gulo ako na bigla na lang siyang nag-disappear sa buhay ko na parang bula.

alas diyes ng gabi. nasa bahay ako ng pinsan ko na naging CPA. nag-celebrate kami.

at nagvivideoke sila.

may tumawag. hindi ko kilala. landline to cellphone.

tapos kahit anong pilit ko, hindi ko marinig ang nasa kabilang linya.

tangina.

3 days later, ginoogle ko yung landline number at nalaman kong…

siya yun.

ang taong isang linggo kong hinintay ang tawag. ang taong bigla na lang akong iniwan sa ere.

bakit hindi ka tumawag ulet? bakit ganun? bakit hindi mo ako tinetext? bakit bigle ka na lang nawala sa buhay KO? lumapit ka lang ba talaga sa akin para lang iparamdam sa akin yung mga magagandang bagay ng ilang linggo tapos iiwan mo na lang ako bigla. na sobrang ramdam ko yung GAP. yung napakalaking GAP na iniwan mo sa buhay ko.

naiinis ako sayo. natiis mo akong magkaganito.

sana hindi mo na lang pinaramdam sa akin ito.

sana hindi na lang talaga.

i hate FATE.

it’s been a week since i went online. wooooh. and i just went online in friendster to tell my friends that…

i am no longer going online. for the time being.

The Internet just seems to bring out the worst in me.

I will take the time to think a lot about my life for now. Offline.

anyway, you can just reach me at my globe and sun numbers. using a dual sim but sun signal is bad in UP sometimes.

zero neuf deux sept sept cinq six trois zero zero zero.

zero neuf deux deux trois un sept cinq quatre cinq six.
I know that there are some of you that I only get to reach through friendster. But I realized that if a person really is my friend outside friendster, a text message and a cup of coffee wouldn’t hurt. =)

See you around. or Good riddance. haha

written in real time.

que’est-ce que je fais?

je ne comprends pas pourquoi est-ce que je suis comme ca.

je veux changer beaucoup de choses dans ma vie.

mais, je ne veux partir avec toi… je veux venir avec toi.

mais je ne suis pas sur si tu veux ca aussi…

j’attends.

Written this morning after 100 pages of electronics readings. XD

“I shall retain in the conviction that in games of chance, if one has perfect control of one’s will — one cannot fail to overcome the brutality of chance. Have a will to win”

-Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Gambler (thanks pearl for the SMS)

ANG TAO AY PARANG CIRCUIT.

Habang nagbabasa ako sa para sa aking higanteng pagsusulit (yehessssss, piliting magtagalog o diba diba diba?) sa Biyernes, bigla ko lang itong naisip. Napahinto ako sa pag-aaral ko, sa pagmamasid sa mga ‘circuit diagrams’ sa makulay na aklat na hiniram ko sa bagong aklatan ng inhinyero. (shet tama ba tagalog ko dun???!?!?)

Bawat isang tao ay may kuryente ng buhay na dumadaloy. Pwede kang maging closed circuit or open circuit. Kadalasan sarado ka naman e; bubuksan mo lang kapag may gusto kang paglipatan ng lakas ng loob o kung gusto mo ng bagong mga elemento na dumaloy sayo.

Syempre walang kuryente kung wala kang SOURCE or pagmumulan. Dalawang klase lang naman din yun: dependent at independent. Ang independent source ay yung medyo maaasahan mo na hindi magbabago at hindi magmamaliw ang pag-apaw sa linya ng buhay mo. And mga dependent sources naman ay yung mga nakakabit din sa higit na malaking daluyan. Kung anuman yun, ikaw na mag-isip. haha.

Ang tao ay parang circuit, maniwala ka!!! Kahit isa kang palasimbang nilalang na humuhugot ng kuryente sa DIyos (independent) o isa kang Japayuking kumukuha ng sustento (nutrients pwede rin haha) sa mga guests mo (ummm, sandamakmak na dependent sourcessss) o isang nagtatrabahong mag-aaral ng unibersidad na nagdadasal at naghihintay ng back pay (independent at dependent sources)… Lahat tayo, kahit ano pa ang katayuan sa buhay, ay humahanap ng paghuhugutan ng daloy.

Ang pinakaimportanteng dapat ayusin para masiguradong gumagana ang circuit ay ang tamang pagkakakabit-kabit ng mga bahagi nito. Pwede kasing mag-OVERLOAD ka pag sumobra ang daloy sa isang bahagi samantalang salat na salat naman ang iba.

Masaklap pa, baka SUMABOG ang circuit. Kaya nga paminsan-minsan, we KILL THE SOURCES, o binubuksan natin ang ilang bahagi ng circuit sa pamamagitan ng pagbukas ng switch para masigurong may balanse sa lahat ng bahagi.

May panukat sa lahat ng klase ng elemento ng kuryente ng buhay. VOLTMETER para sa sukat ng pressure sa pagdaloy (motivation, peer pressure, moral pressures, societal stigma etc) at AMMETER naman para sa sukat ng kuryente (the verve of life, passion, will and emotion).

Kapag hindi ka na sigurado sa ginagawa mo, maganda magsukat. Tapos para maiwasan ang PARALLAX READING ERROR, ipa-double check mo sa lab instructor mo. Or sa cute mong katabi– assuming na alam niya ang ginagawa niya sa circuit niya. Baka lang nga, masira ka din niya kung mas siraulo siya sayo, so ingat lang sa pagpapadouble check ng iyong circuit.

Ang disenyo ng circuit ay depende sa diskarteng indibidwal. Pwede mong gawing komplikado na mukhang buhol buhol at pulpol ang lipat ng enerhiya. Pwede puro SERIES lang para pantay ang kuryente o passion sa lahat ng aspeto. Pwedeng PARALLEL lang para iisa lang ang dami ng VOLTAGE na dumadaan sa mga wires. Pero madalas, kombinasyon ng SERIES-PARALLEL ang ginagawa, kasi hindi naman simple ang buhay eh.

Walang silbi ang kuryente mo kung wala siyang lugar na pagdadaluyan. Maiiwan lang ang electron sa source kung hindi mo siya itutulak sa iba’t ibang direksyon. Ang WIRE mo ang nagdidikta ng bilis at dami ng daloy. May kanya-kanyang tayong paboritong wire (Ako, kahit engineering ako, pagsusulat talaga ang wire ko, sa tingin ko…)

Sa ngayon, dapat buo na ang loob mo at payag ka na tunay ngang parang CIRCUIT ang tao.

At dahil tao ako, mayroon din akong circuit na binubutingting sa ngayon. Kukuwentuhan na lang kita…

Ininspeksyon ko ang circuit ko. Ang dami kong SOURCES, panalo! Tapos ang shiny-shiny pa ng WIRE na gamit ko. Nalaman ko rin kung nasaan ang mga nodes at junctions ng buhay ko–kung saan dumadaloy ang kuryente sa isang ordinaryong araw.

Pero… something’s wrong. May kulang yata… at sila ang…

RESISTANCE. RESISTORS. CIRCUIT BREAKERS. FUSE BOX.

Kahit ang TV, ilaw, radyo at bentilador namin sa bahay ay mayroon niyan. Pigil. Oposisyon sa kuryente. Para hindi siya kumarga ng kuryente na hindi niya kayang panindigan. Para hindi siya masira.

Feeling ko kasi, kakayanin ko. Whatdapakisdamatterwidme.

Ako kasi pala yung tipo ng circuit na gustong gusto ang kuryente. Gusto na ramdam na ramdam niya yung kuryente sa lahat ng aspeto ng buhay niya. Walang preno, kumbaga.

Kaya pag dumikit na ako sa isa pang circuit at bonggang-bongga ang ELECTRIC CURRENT naming dalawa…. ay, inday, ambot sa mga resistors! I will just let the CURRENT FLOW go everywhere.

Pero… teka *sniffs self* amoy usok na pala. Nag-OOVERHEAT ako!!! Malapit na pala kasing mag-OVERLOAD yung elemento ko kasi nasobrahan na sa kuryente.

Ang PROBLEM kasi, hindi ko mahanap ang tamang METHOD OF CIRCUIT ANALYSIS sa circuit ko ngayon.

Pano naman… hindi ko matantiya kung tatagal ba yung bagong circuit na dumikit sa akin. Hindi ko pa tuloy siya maisali sa mga EQUATIONS ng circuit ko.

Kahit KVL, KCL or Mesh Analysis, hindi ko magawa.

Kasi nga daloy lang siya ng daloy sa puso ko, isang potent pero unnamed quantity.

Wala pa akong tamang resistor para sa kanya, kahit na ang lakas lakas na ng tama niya sa circuit ko.

Isang araw, nag-OPEN CIRCUIT kami. Lumayo siya. Nag-iisip yata. May nakabitan kasi siyang maganda circuit dati tapos… nasunog siya. =( Siguro natatakot siya na pagkalipas ng panahon ay susunugin ko din siya.

At kagaya nga ng isang circuit na biglang nabaklasan ng isang malaking branch, nahirapan na akong dumaloy ulit. Nasanay na kasi sa dami ng kuryenteng dumadaloy mula sa taong hindi sigurado kung tatagal ba sa buhay ko o talagang bisita lang na magtuturo ng kung anumang kelangan kong matutuhan sa circuit analysis ko.

Hindi ko alam, bigla na lang kasi siyang dumating eh. Hindi ko siya napaghandaan.

Marahil, nauubos ang daloy niya; kelangan niyang icharge ang mga sources niya or kelangan lang talaga ayusin ang mga dispalinghadong bahagi ng circuit niya.

Sa circuit ko ngayon, nag-iwan siya ng napakalaking butas. Nakadungaw lang ako sa butas (EMO)… at pinilit kong humanap ng THEVENIN at NORTON EQUIVALENT CIRCUIT niya, pero wala nga pala akong PARAMETERS. Wala akong pinanghahawakan. Kasi hindi naman kami. Hindi ko din alam kung nakikipagbalikan pa yung dating circuit na sumunog sa kanya at kung ano ang feeling niya dun.

Ayun, dinesisyunan ko na lang tuloy ngayon na lagyan ng VARIABLE RESISTORS ang iniwan niyang giant hole sa circuit ko. Para dumaloy lang ulit. Para lang hindi naman mamatayan ng source yung ibang bahagi ng buhay ko.

Naiisip ko rin naman na kung papayagan ng MAIN SOURCE ko (si God yun ha..) na magdaloy ako ng kuryente kasama ang uncertain but special circuit na yun, madali lang naman i-SHORT CIRCUIT ang lahat ng resistors na ginawa ko ko ngayon para makakabit pabalik sa init ng kuryente niya.

Or… kung sadyang gusto talaga ako ng tinatangi kong circuit na yun, isho-short circuit din niya ang mga GIANT RESISTORS ng buhay niya para makadaloy kami sa isa’t isa.
Hindi ko nga lang siya mapipilit na i-SHORT CIRCUIT lahat agad. Kasi baka naman isang milyong resistors pala yung kinabit niya. =(

Kaya sinawsaw ko muna ang sarili ko sa LIQUID COOLANT (umm, malamig na tubig lang kanina nung naligo ako. bwahaha) at… ayan, salpak lang ng salpak ng mga RESISTORS to CLOSE CIRCUIT again.

Maswerte pa naman ako. Madali lang sa akin magtanggal ng resistors kasi konti at variable lang yung nilagay ko. Masaya rin kasi pag wala ka masyadong pigil sa nararamdaman mo. You can really let yourself go and feel the current flowing in every inch of your being.
SInabi ng kaibigan ko na maganda din naman daw yun. Kasi marami akong nakakausap na ang major problema sa circuit analysis ay SUMOBRA sa RESISTORS. Panay ang tago ng puso. Hindi na kayang i-risk na masunog sila.

Baka nga hindi lang resistor ang nasa puso ni special unknown circuit. Baka nga may giant INSULATOR siya sa loob at patay lahat ng kuryente pagdating dun sa spot na yun.

Kung alam mo lang, unkown circuit (at malamang alam mo na nga)… kahit nawiwindang ako ngayon… tingin ko talaga ay pwede tayong gumawa ng pangmatagalang kuryente.

Isa ring dahilan kung bakit nilagyan ko na agad ng resistors ay delikado kasi ang estado ko ngayon. Butas ang circuit. Pwedeng may sumingit na ibang circuit. Hinihintay kita, so dapat wala munang sumingit na ibang circuit networks. Dapat maging sarado muna ako.

Pero eto lang, hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan nakalagay yung mga resistors na yun. Ayokong sanayin ang sarili ko na napalilibutan ng RESISTORS. Kasi iba pa rin ang UNLIMITED CURRENT e.

Mag-iiwan na lang ako ng maliit ng SWITCH sa pagitan nating dalawa. Kung sakaling mamiss mo ang kuryenteng dinala ko sa buhay mo, alam mo naman kung saan makakakonekta pabalik sa akin. (Everything is fun under the sun, you know)

Anu’t anuman ang mangyari, magiging ayos din ang lahat.

Patuloy ang daloy ko, mahalin mo man ako o hindi…

Pareho naman tayo ng main Source e. Kung ikaw na talaga ang taong para sa akin, tiwala ako na pwede Niya tayong pagtagpuin…

….sa takdang panahon.

Yeah!

God bless sa mga EEE people. LET’S UNO THIS SUBJECT!!!!!

(written november 18)

“I guess I’m just craving for some human touch.”

For the first time, that did not come from me. Haha. Somebody. A friend who has always been dear to me. But he’s also the friend who likes saying and doing things to me in a more-than-friends way. So I avoid him and I come up with stupid answers just to dodge his seemingly informal invitations to take our friendship to a level my mind and heart wouldn’t want to do with him.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I like this person as a friend. It’s actually uncomfortable to be in a situation where your level of liking for a person is far exceeded because that person seems to view you from an entirely different league.

Humbling, even, to be considered romantically attractive to such an intellectual elite. But I’ve had a lion’s share of intellectual elites and it wasn’t really the e equals m c squared of having long lasting relationships. I just wish he’d find the right person because when he hits on me, I say stupid things just to communicate that: “Geez, PARE. Wag ako. Friends tayo e.”

So, my stupid reply of the day to that YM message he sent me the other day: “Ay nako “name ni friend dito* Human touch? Overrated!!! Long live intellectual stimulation. C’mon chong!”

And he said: “Of course not. YOU know that’s not true.”

I DID, And certain events exactly 24 hours after that YM conversation, I was put to the test.

That’s really the thing when you say STUPID things that you don’t mean: it later comes back to spite you in one way or another. I can imagine Fate, wearing his casuals and throwing his Chuck Taylors at my face now. I am the laughingstock of the universe. boohoo.And it all started at…

12:45 am.

A jolting noise woke me up. I looked out from my bedroom window. Lots of screaming voices. And there was a woman, wailing in a distinct way. I know that intense wailing– the type that seemed to have ripped her heart to smithereens. I cried that way before… and at the time, I remembered every single instance that I cried that way…

Body went into fight or flight mode. Sweat dripped down my brose. May sunog ba? May namatay ba? But there was neither smoke nor gunshots…

Groggy from a disrupted trail of what could have been such sweet, sweet dreams, I checked my phone. One new message.

I felt excited. Then I decided to go back to checking the commotion through the huge bedroom window. The sound effects of broken glass and panic rivaled the Dolby Digital System when I watched Dinosaurs on the big screen.

SMS from Guitar Man said: “I’ve been hurt before and I want to make sure it won’t happen again… I hope you can be patient.” The words kind of floated plus the Dolby-like sounds.

My first instinct that time was to type in: “Can you call me now… my neighbors are driving me crazy, I’m scared and I… miss… you” (bwahahaha, kadiri sa pagka-clingy noh.)

But that time, hindi ko sinabi. Kasi I know that when someone asks you to be patient, you just give that person what he needs. Shit or no shit.

And I also recognized that there’s something about that very situation that I have to FEEL FULLY ON MY OWN. Some of my friends are still awake, but I didn’t bother them din.

Wailing woman continued her sad, despair-soaked ARIA. I later learned that she was the relative of the guy in the coffin 2 doors away from house. And so were the 2 guys who did the noisy bottle-bashing and filled our street with angst from their personal issues and obvious, obvious overdrive of alcohol, ego and testosterone. More testoterone, err, men came in to dispel the fight that has ensued.

One, two, three hours. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven days after that incident. I was crying. Not through the eyes. But through the ink of my now-dead blue 0.5 Dong A Gel Pen. It’s always been this way when I feel so intense: the pen does the talking for me. And you know because it’s on the screen now. Feelings turned to art, or at least, that’s the objective.

Human TOUCH. Intriguing. Because at that moment when I was waiting for the unpleasant songs of discord to stop, all I wanted was some touch of safety. That same longing babies have for mommy when there’s a thunderstorm. That same thing the Titanic movie had when the ship was sinking and there was an old couple there who just EMBRACED each other in an I’ll-die-with-you-and-I-so-so-love-you embrace until the waves devoured them to death.

Sighs.

The blanket and pillows all just felt like ice to me all of a sudden. There were no tears streaming down my cheeks, but a huge cloud of FEAR held my heart captive and I was really experiencing this battle from within. And I know that if I start praying to God that time, all those tears would flow out like a dam breaking loose. Damn, memories can be so painful.

It’s in these moments that I realize how VULNERABLE I actually am. It’s a miracle that I am still very much willing to take risks to find the person I can embrace and sink in the TItanic ship in my old age with. Because, pucha, alam ko na it’s worth it.

And I know that it’s what my friends and family see when I start falling for a person: “Wow her face lights up. But God, I hate to see her when it doesn’t work out.”

You can NEVER ever tell if this will work out. Understandably, people take precautions because a broken heart is no laughing matter at all. Walls are built. Space is asked. Even when you have the bestest of best intentions, things can be just messed up in the middle and throw you to a tragic end.

With all your pieces flying around and broken in the most fragile spots, if i may add.

Regardless, IT’S WORTH ITTTTT

Reformed by my prior stupidity, I change my reply to a more truthful one for my forever friend:

“Yes. We all need that human touch. Not merely the ones we physically feel. But the type of touch that we would tread through hell and high water for. I can’t touch in you that way, I am very sorry. But I hope that God brings you to the person who can and will do just that.”

I gave guitar man the reply that my brain wanted to tell him: “Take your time”

But my heart keeps trying to pull him back as he asked for space. It’s actually easier said than done, you know.

I’ll keep trying, anyway.

 

One and fives. Special things seem to happen in the increments of one month and five days– an arithmetic progression of the heart.
It was August 10 when girl pal one got officially attached to her long-term beau. One month and five days laters, September 15, girl pal two decided to abandon one rule of dating to take a chance of getting a happy ending with her bestfriend, who is now her boyfriend. Because of them, I was actually joking about October 20… Who’s the next lucky girl pal?

 

But when the actual day came, I forgot about that whole thing. Until a particular multiply post (“Monday the 20th”) reminded me that something happened that time. No girl pal got hitched. But it was the day I met the guitar man…

I call him that because I didn’t want to call him dark blue (the color of his shirt when we met the first night), Domac’s (his default meal), or by his real name (shempre, nasa blog ko nga e diba. Duh). I also made a promise to him that I’ll post something about guitars. But actually, it was the guy behind the guitar who got my attention more.

I honestly don’t know how to go about interspersing my promise and my feelings in a single post, but I’ll just go by way of asking on question: What happens when an unexpecting and jaded person meets someone who somehow effortlessly manages to make sweet, sweet music out of her broken strings? An answer in one word: MAGIC.

That first meeting blossomed to texting, constant calls and meeting occasionally to make conversation that makes adjacent people within earshot green with envy and eavesdropping (haha). It’s just like when you hear a really nice song and you try to strum it on your favorite guitar. No matter how hard the chords are, you strum until you get the melody right. And even when rivulets of sweat fall off your brows after, you feel accomplished. It is worth the effort, worth the time. And once you connect the chords to produce even just one sound, you know that you will not stop until you get to the end of the song. And you want to repeat the experience. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how I feel whenever I am with this person.

I always had a preoccupation with spontaneity. Well-meaning friends have set me up with their guy friends, but they don’t know that I like my surprises as genuine surprises – just handed to me at a time that I least expect with no bridges nor introductions whatsoever. Just BAM! And then it’s up to the person to dazzle me further once he had me at hello.

A strange habit I had while growing up was that I liked listening to guitar-played music with eyes closed, especially when the strings are plucked rhythmically. I enjoy the texture of the notes being played, and when I isolate the sound and see nothing else and rely on my hearing for the details, it means so much more. You know what’s surprising? The guitar man seems to feel the texture of my life’s strings in that exact same way. I really believe that there are no bad guitars to a really good guitarist. In the same way, there are no bad women to a passionate man who knows exactly how to handle them. Whether from gut or experience or instinct. Or whatever.

When composing songs with one’s guitar, one just connects with the song and the rest of the world fade into background at that sacred moment of composing. Just like a writer in her element when she wields her words from the heart (ehem). When my life’s path crossed with his, for awhile, I was entranced by the connection we had for each other. It just had me, some of my world fell to a standstill for awhile (but I’m trying to drag myself again to do other things, okay.). I have yet to find out whether this is a Vivaldi piece (a classic favorite of mine) or just another short love song that ends too soon, just like all the other love songs I had in the past. What I do know is this: the memories I am creating with him now seem to create some new song to my ears that is both appealing and worth giving a shot.

 

Sometimes, when you played a song really well on the guitar, you do a double take. You stop with a surreal feeling, an out-of-body experience– as if you cannot believe that the lovely music being produced just came out of your fingers. And for this whole month, the experience of meeting the guitar man felt that way to me. That it felt too good to be true is an understatement. But last I woke up and pinched myself amd saw my arm turn crimson, I knew this for a fact: reality is really better than my dreams now. I just have to get used to it because I honestly need to get busy soon.
Just like a mangled guitar (there have been a few who used me just to gain playing experience), I needed to tune certain strings. Snap out of the magical moment because I am not being productive these days (because I am still amazed, that’s why. and he doesn’t seem to understand it as much, but i do, right to the bottom of my er, heart).
And I do recognize that while plaing guitar music is pleasurable, I still also need to make room for everything else in my life: eating, walking, finishing college and *gasps* promoting world peace. Haha. Moreover, I don’t want to desensitize me and the guitar man and jinx this whole thing as it blossoms before my eyes. I want our “piece” (for lack of a better term) to be something in moderation – given just the right thought and attention. (Note to self: snap out of the disbelief and just start getting used to it. And take a chill pill so he won’t feel so pressured.)

The guitar man likes to check out the music stores for really nice-looking guitars. But at the end of the day, he goes back to his room and makes lovely music with the guitar that has been with him through thick and thin, its familiar strings a welcome relief after a hard day’s work. I can imagine his fingers sliding through the familiar texture of his tuned strings and he just regurgigitates chords in pretty much the same manner I produce words on my blog or my journal.
He started out liking me for the things that he saw in me at the outset. But if you ask me now, I’d honestly want to be as familiar and as well-loved as the guitar in his bedroom, not just another cute and shiny guitar he sees in the stores (though it certainly does not hurt to look fit, good and shiny as the rest of the bunch!). Not something that is just admired, but something that can withstand the test of time.
Anyway, you might think that I am counting another one month and five days for another special event to happen to me or my friends.

Actually, I stopped counting. I don’t need to count anymore because since the guitar man made himself known to me, everyday is already special.
To sweet November and beyond.

Guitar man, you really are something.

Helene, get a hold of yourself and START WORKING. hahaha.

 

 

how come when i am unable to make sense of my feelings, i lose my capacity to weave the right words…

so i’ll just begin with a quote i received from my friend a year ago:

“someday somebody will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anybody else.”

and while i waited for it, it never came. but it kind of sneaked in somewhere in the middle of my flurry of activities last month.

hmmm

i’ll just post something more coherent next time. hahaha. my brain’s totally not working these days.