redemption

“Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat. at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para magsupply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumo-control ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo and mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay. Tandaan m: magiging masaya ka lang kung tatanggap na di ang puso, atay, o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!”

-bob ong (daw sabi sa forwarded message but i doubt it)
initial reaction: OUCH. haha…

matter of decision nga talaga ang mga bagay sa buhay. though there are things not within our control, we must try our best to control what we can within ourselves.

i realized that just floating and living through life is not ENOUGH to make a decent living on earth. YOU HAVE TO INTROSPECT A LOT, because if you do not become aware of your weaknesses, other people will try to figure it out and take ADVANTAGE. complete total advantage of your ignorance and weakness once they discovered it. of course, not all people are like that.

it would be so naive to think that no such person exists. they do. and when they strike, they’re deadly.

what’s wonderful is that the moment i decided to take better care of myself, things started looking up. and more quickly if i may add. the things that caused me pain started to slowly drift away just like the ocean waves. and good things started to happen again.

and it feels good to take good care of myself. before, i was the queen of quick fixes. i like drinking paracetamols at the instant i feel a headache coming.

but now i LISTEN to my body more. and when i have a headache, i sense that it’s either i get some rest or stop thinking about toxic things that induces that headache. i sense when my body needs more water.

i guess the most important thing i learned this semester is not on projectile motion (though i badly needed to pass that course) or remote sensing or property surveying laws or legal research.

the most important thing is this: LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

the more i listened, the more i got fascinated because i found that my body speaks volumes even when there are no words coming out. the slightest pain, or the slightest warning of pain and harm must be heeded. and i learned to trust my INSTINCTS.

my poor instincts have long been ignored, thus catapulting me to a series of drastic ipulsive moves that not only caused me pain but also distracted me from my actual life goals.

interestingly, the more i listened to myself, the more capable i became in handling my stress. i no longer have to dump my emotions on people as much as i used to (i do have that tendency.) i learned to deal with my own garbage and thus, make me more open to help others clear their garbage too.

from a walking toxic emotional basketcase, i turned into something else. and that something else is definitely a better version of me.

in the end, amidst all the monstrosities, the wrong decisions and the affection offered to frogs pretending to be princes, i learned more about me. i improved. and even when i do not have the grade in ES 12 to show up for it, i know that i have learned because i have this peace in my heart that is more valuable than the best vacation one can have on earth.

and once again, i am ready to risk. i still believe that people are inherently good. if there are losers who take advantage, they are not as many as the good authentic people you are to meet in this world.

so i lost this game of love this semester. but it pushed me to stand a better chance in the game of life.

and this is what makes everything still wonderful.

5 months… graduation.

5 frigging months in hell before i set myself free.

and what doesn’t kill me will only MAKE ME STRONGER.

i just got out of my final exam in ES 12. then i really needed a 65% to pass that subject.

i did my best talaga sa finals. but i believe kulang pa talaga yung kaalaman ko sa 3rd and 4th exam coverage. so ayun. hindi naman napepeke yun e…

i got 18 out of 33 items. i needed at least 22 to pass the course. so i am, essentially….

a failure.

so much for zero casualty semester.

thanks a lot to the assh*le who dragged me down with him.

i guess i just have to accept things soon and just move. move farther and farther away from my wrong decisions. and into something else more right.

it is hell week in school these days. but probably i have gotten so used to it already, because i no longer feel as much stress as i had before. sure, there are things to be done. but i think they are all manageable with the remaining week stretched out before me.

i have started to face my inner demons one by one. and what painful, self-destructive behavior i have set up for myself last month opened the doors for wonderful self-discovery this October. it’s been a few days since i started dabbling into visualization, meditation and the scientific studies on the power of positive emotions. and they have been doing wonders for my once-weary and lethargic soul.

i guess it’s in a matter of reframing the circumstances in a manner that makes its very viable for growth, development and opportunity.

sure, i messed up again.

but don’t we all?

the more important thing for me now is to bounce back and emerge better out of the situation.

i only have 7 minutes before this computer logs out. seven precious minutes to put my words on print before my biology paper engulfs me into oblivion and jona’s PI paper takes the remaining half of my leisure time. (jona, i am really enjoying this way better than area-moment method)

so i have been toxic. so i have been a FOOL. a HUGE FOOL. made myself look stupid after years and years of rehabilitating myself.

every morning i resist the urge to SCREAM at myself:

ANG TANGA TANGA MO INENG.

and then tongues went wagging again at this thing i have stirred up. comments snide here and there. haven’t heard one but the last one was really painful, coming from someone who doesn’t really know me that well.

i cried again on my 7th day in that place of solitude– the only place in UP campus where i can cry my heart out.

and then i emerged with my tears dried up, my head pounding… and my mouth craving for a very sour ponkan-green mango fruit shake with syrup and cream to sweeten it up.

5 minutes na lang.

my life is like a ponkan-green mango shake.

few people appreciate the flavor. but when properly mixed with the right proportions of milk and syrup (hopefully no melamine from China)… it becomes something else.

so after i got mixed with the wrong proportions i became too sour.

but i watered it down, which is the tricky part of concocting the best fruit shake because you might end up losing the flavor if you water it down too much.

i think it’s back to being sweet in just a little while.

but it will get really, really BITTER before it becomes BETTER.

it’s another day. i like the sun, the warm rays pouring forth form the window of my bedroom. it’s as if it’s comforting me from the silent tears that never really reached the eyes.

my tonsils are no longer throbbing as much. but my heart is so empty. my stomach’s full from food, but my heart is hungry for something that it can never quite place its fingers on.

everything i read, everything i watch and everything i hear always seemed to echo out my heart’s stifled cries. so i just pester my globe friends with those quotes. profound as they may sound, they all only mean one purpose: to release whatever pent up hurt and brokenness i have from within.

and in times like these, i feel like i am no more than a zombie trying to function mechanically, devoid of passion and zest and luster that had once propelled me to be at my functioning best.

my job performance declined from being an extra-miler to doing the minimum of what’s required of me. it’s a good thing that i had advanced in my work in the previous months so i don’t have to catch up too much. i had some extra work done before. so if i’m underperforming these days, they haven’t really noticed. YET. hopefully, this gives me enough elbow room to heal myself and be at my most productive best again.

my academics, from being an avenue where i always looked forward to learning new ideas from my teachers. became a haunting edifice that reminds me of my failures, imperfections and the great deception that this monster (i can never really call him a man after all the things that happened…) did to me.

i look at my lighter-burned left arm and though it is quite small, i know that the same guy who caused this burn ate off a huge chunk of my heart– the particular chunk that hopes for happy endings and true love that arises from spontaneity.

and i look at him in the corridor as i walk on my way to work.
and we don’t talk anymore because i treat him like a stranger. but inside it really, really hurts. but i know that this is the only way that i can protect myself. the only way that i can recover. the only way that i can grow.

sometimes we want things that are really not good for us. we try to wheedle or force our way to get that thing, even when we know that acquiring it will cause us more harm than good.

i think that i can still actually push through and go with this masochistic affair that i have placed myself into.

but i think of the people around me. my parents, who are so excited to see me graduate from college. my friends, who have gone through so much– they have often been the ones left with the ugly task of picking up the broken pieces of my heart just to piece me back together.

and when i think of all those things, i know that i cannot afford to be selfish and self-destructive. because i will be dragging along a lot of other people with me if i let this break me.

so i just wake up and drag myself everyday. trying to move forward (or a semblance of that just to get by)… hoping to find a reason for why these things happened to me even when i am actually doing my very best to be responsible.

as i go outside of my safe bedroom and find myself staring at my private demons, i just feel that pain. feel it to the core.

feel it until it hurts no more.

it’s almost the end of the semester… but hindi ko na kaya. kelangan ko ng ilabas ang SAMA NG LOOB KOOOOOOOOOOOO….

nagsimula ang lahat sa isang mababaw na text message. harmless. harmless kunwari. pero dumating sa punto na pinupuntahan na niya ako. nagiging malapit na kami sa isa’t isa. ramdam ko na gusto ko siya. gusto ko ang mga hirit niya. gusto ko siyang kasama.

bago siya dumating sa buhay ko, matataas na ulet ang mga grades ko. okay na e. maayos kong nagagampanan ang trabaho ko at hindi ako nagkakasakit. panay ang kain ko. sure, tumataba ako pero very confident at healthy ang outlook ko sa buhay.

kung alam ko lang na gagawin niya sa akin ito, hindi ko na siya hinayaang lumapit umpisa pa lang.kasi sisirain lang pala niya ang mga maganda kong nasimulan para sa sarili ko. babasagin lang pala niya ang mga pira-piraso ng buhay ko na ang tagal kong pinagdikit-dikit noon at pinakaiingat-ingatan ko.

so ayun na. gusto ko na siya. at parang ginawan niya ng paraan na maamin ko sa kanya yun. hindi niya ako pinigilan. hinayaan niya akong mahulog sa kanya.

tapos, nung nasiguro na niya na gustong-gusto ko na siya. tska niya sinabi na:

may girlfriend na ako. 8 years na kami at hindi ko siya iiwan para sayo.

at isa pa:

pang-16 ka na. may 15 na akong isinabay sa girlfriend ko.

yung pang-15 daw, sabi niya, yung talagang mahal niya. at muntik niyang iwan si girlfriend para dun.

nung una, nagpakabulag ako. ang TANGA TANGA…

hinayaan ko lang. inisip ko na kakayanin ko.

tapos sinabi niya na july pa lang alam na daw niya na gusto ko siya. na pinag-isipan niya kung “gagatungan” ba niya yung nararamdaman ko.

well, mukhang nagkagatong-gatong na nga at durog-durog ako ngayon.

naging napakalambing niya. papakiligin niya ako. tapos kinabukasan sasabihin niya “kinilig ka kahapon ano?” papaaminin niya ako. parang isang laro lang sa kanya ang lahat.

pakiramdam ko para akong isang TROPHY. isang LARUAN na pinaikot-ikot niya sa palad niya.

at ang tanging mga kasalanan ko lang ay nahulog ako sa bitag niya at hindi ako naging alerto sa mga bagay na planado na pala sa kanya.

aakabayan niya ako sa harap ng maraming tao kahit na hindi niya naman pala ako ganon kagusto. para lang maidisplay sa mga tao na gusto ko siya. just to give his ego a massage.

tuturuan niya akong magsigarilyo, hihingin niya na mag-cut ako ng klase at sasabihin niya na hindi naman sukatan ng worth ng tao ang mga grades sa UP.

ang SAMA SAMA NIYA.

ANG TANGA ko talaga. ang tigas ng ulo ko.

Kahit nung aksidenteng napaso niya ako ng lighter sa braso (na namamaga pa rin ngayon) at naitulak niya ako sa kanal sa UP at shumoot ako dun na basa ang pantalon ko… baket ganon, ginusto ko pa rin siya. Siguro nga hindi ko masyadong mahal ang sarili ko.

At alam niya ang kahinaan ko. Nag-take advantage siya sa kahinaang yun.

At magso-sorry siya ng maraming beses pagkatapos.

At patatawarin ko siya.

At magiging okay kami ulet.

Tapos gagawin na naman niya ulet yung masasakit na salitang binibitawan niya.

Dalawang beses sa buwan na ito nangyari yun.

At kaninang hapon nung nagkita kami, gusto niya pa rin na mabait ako sa kanya. Kahit na sobrang dinurog niya ako ng pinong-pino.

AYOKO NA! AYOKO NA SAYO MONSTER KA. sana wag na tayong magkita ulet.

Kung akala mo masisira ako ng tuluyan sa ginawa mo, NAGKAKAMALI KA.

Pagsisisihan mo din yan balang araw.

Alam ko sa sarili ko na naging totoo ako sayo. I treated you well. And I don’t deserve this SH*T that you put me through.

At alam mo na kahit sinasabi mo na hindi na ako maganda kasi mataba na ako…

alam mo naman na mas PANGET KA. PANGET KA SA PANLABAS AT PANLOOB. Halang ang kaluluwa mo para gawin sa akin ito.

Hindi na ako magttiyaga sa kahayupan mo.

At nilagay ko talaga ito dito para maitala ko na simula sa araw na ito, hindi mo na ako kailanman mapapaso ng lighter, matutulak sa creek, malalagay sa alanganin.

At pag lumapit ka pa ulet, KUKULAMIN KITA.

have been addicted to plurk recently…  so many random thoughts floating in my head and it’s just the perfect place to park them. anyways, there are still some things that require elaboration so i am still blogging (goodness, an addict indeed!)

i can’t believe it’s actually possible to do things that you are not used to doing because you realize that… it brings a brand-new feeling that you know you can never find elsewhere. and though people do not really understand why i am doing the things i do, i just had to be convinced within myself that i am completely aware of what i am doing…

so, i’ll stay aware and hope that i find a better solution to the problem. and chillax while i’m at it…

disclaimer: all fiction… =)

I wanted to reach out and brush my fingertips on the strands of your hair, take care of you and tell you that I want to give it a try. I had to stop myself.

But I think of your prior commitment, of how you lied about your sexual experiences so you’d get what you want, how you refer to your previous flings by numbering them. And I realized this: I don’t want to be just one of them. I want to be the one you’ll take seriously. i kid you not.

Given the circumstances, you cannot provide me exclusivity. True, you’re a good kisser, but even the lousiest men in bed can be trained over time. What i can’t train you to have is the decision to leave your Faraway land and forget your French ex-side dish.

I knew right from the very beginning that you will not do that for me no matter how many kisses we exchange or how much time we spend together.

At first, I agreed to play the mistress partand be the side dish to your main dish. But slowly, I feel that you are taking so much more than what I am ready to give for this setup.

Over time, if you don’t stop, you will leave me emptied out.

Much as I wanted to build a fence that divides pleasure and falling in love with you, I find that it’s just virtually IMPOSSIBLE.

So instead of going to your house, I went to eat chocolate cake to comfort myself. Instead of learning how to play video games with you, I chose to go to the gym. And instead of kissing you, I chose to straddle on my bed and write my aches away.

If you could just tell me that you are ready to leave the past and saunter into the future with me, I’d actually tread through hell or high waters just for you.

But I know that even when your Farawayland girl isn’t ’suicidal’ as you claimed, you won’t leave her even if i tell you that i’ll be there for you anyway.

So I just embraced my old routine and acted as if nothing happened. And no matter how it pinches me that I can’t be with you and have my dignity as a person intact at the same time, I decided to avoid you.

It’s not my favorite decision of late, but I know that somewhere in faraway land, your faraway princess will smile if she knew that the girl you are attracted to now is actually pushing you to be faithful to her.

You make me feel good. You take me on a high. There’s no question with that.

But…

I DESERVE MORE.

Effective today, I am no longer your kissing friend number 16.

Because I want to be somebody else’s one and only.

ang lesson? wag tatanga tanga. hahaha

disclaimer: FICTION ITO. =)

i worked my a$$ out for this certain report i am making for my job (project will end by september so Wake me Up when September Ends…). Then my boss just asked me to revise it. Not once. Not twice. Not even thrice. But FOUR times. And I am not even sure if that is the final draft.

Have you ever felt sick to the stomach seeing the same paper over and over again? It sickens me… I hate my writing, i hate seeing a computer (except for now where I have a window wherein I can rant my a$$ out). i hate hate hate hate the fact that I am not meeting the standards of my moody boss.   

It’s practically insulting for me, because I have been fairly confident of my writing skills. But no, this one’s really different. This type of writing in my job called for something else. It means stripping off the writing voice that I have become so used to and replacing it with dry lines of text. Welcome to my bossing’s version of technical writing. Even when I do my very best, he finds something. Even a small comma or a misplaced preposition on an otherwise pristine page. And no compliments for good jobs.

The first time he butchered my work, I cried. Then I had asthma attacks the following day. Because he said it so harshly. It didn’t matter that the criticisms were constructive. What I distinctly remember are the words he used and the manner with which he launched those words in our dialogue.

anyway, let’s carry over his topical approach to research writing with regards to my present concerns… (warning: this might be boring for you, i can hardly recognize my writing these days)

Heading 1: It’s all about the money…

I am so psyched that mom’s here already. I think, the tides are turning in our favor and for some reason, her employer hasn’t been calling her. Maybe Harvey’s solitaire wishes has finally come true.

But it still comes with a price. I, for one, need to earn at least 40thousand pesos a month. Where the heck am I going to get that? My current job gives me around one fourth of that, assuming that I complete 40 hours a week. With my studies at bay, that’s not even remotely possible.

To think I have been emotionally harangued by the numerous revisions my boss is asking of me… I get a fixed rate for something I do over and over again.

which leads me to my 2nd heading: 

heading 2: the Universal Feeling

Loneliness, what else? But then, feeling lonely doesn’t mean you are alone, sabi nga ni R.K.

and i am definitely not alone, since one of my group projects involve

heading 3: Marketing Congress 2008

One of our groupmates haven’t been attending and we got so many deductions already. I wonder if we still stand a chance of getting the top spot for our department since the scores will be eaten up by absences. (Note: we are the only team in the department. so if we don’t get a good score… argh… kawawa naman ang GE)

anyway, aside from that, i also have issues with

heading 4: my need of space

I don’t know why. But I feel so suffocated sometimes.

and lastly, the worst dragging feeling comes from…

heading 5: drinking the dregs of unforgiveness

There’s this particular relative who really, really, REALLY deceived us. For years, I have always looked up to this person. But then it all got shattered when I finally discovered how she has been using me to get even or exact revenge on my mother for an unknown reason.

She has turned me against my mom, my dad and practically against myself. When I started getting jobs, she manipulated me so that I will give her money. Sabi niya, utang na loob ko yun sa kanya kasi inalagaan niya ako nung wala ang mommy ko.

Sa totoo lang, simula’t simula pa lang, mukhang inalagaan niya ako para gamitin niya ako against my parents. And so that she can do the stuff she wants to do with the property that has been named after me.

Fortunately, nagkasundo kami ng parents ko sa bandang huli.

So right now, I just keep on remembering how much pain she has caused. And I want to get even. But greater than that is the desire to break free of this stranghold that she has enclosed me with. 

And the worst part of the matter is, she was the one who told me about God. She was the one who prays a lot. She was the one who supposedly embodies Christ and was sent by God to bless our family.

What can I say? I have been CONNED by the world’s greatest confidence artist. She knew her stuff. She had the background to manipulate people.

Apparently, the "calling from God" involves some of her selfish interests that she has magnificently cloaked within her charitable works.

Discovering all this, it just kind of shattered the principles that I used to view as unquestionable. Don’t get me wrong. I still believe in God. But much of what I know about God came from the lessons I heard from her. Now that she has shown her true colors, I do not know what to make of those godly "lessons" I had from her.

Seeing a person from church do that shady series of deeds that she has done to me, my parents and other relatives she has not won to her favor… I believe that like many other things, churches are infallible, highly prone to human error and misinterpretations of God’s Word.

And everyday, there is this nagging though: Ni hindi man lang kami nakaganti sa ginawa niya sa amin.

Pero naisip ko… what good will it do me if I try to exact revenge on this person?

Kakarmahin din siya. Sana… Hindi ko na nga rin alam kung dapat akong maniwala sa karma. Pero para na lang sa ikapapanatag ng loob ko, papaniwalain ko na lang ang sarili ko na kakarmahin siya balang araw sa kahayupang ginawa niya sa amin ng nanay at tatay ko.

Funny how someone who claims to be a messenger of God for the past few decades can turn out to be the world’s most evil person. At least, as far as our family is concerned.

Last heading: Weight Gain. Major Tummy Talking.

In a way, sorting my concerns out in this technical manner helps me figure out what’s bugging me the most.

I guess in the end I still have to thank this fake relative-from-hell (for making me discover that even church people can do evil things and it all must be directly anchored on God and not men), this harsh boss (cause I still have a job and after working with this boss, i will be able handle ANY writing project that comes my way),   the lack of finances (because it makes me appreciate the small things more and helps me become creative), and the loneliness I am feeling (because it helps provide a stark contrast between the feeling of being inspired and uninspired).  And I thank my big belly. It helps me stay focused in school because I don’t have to entertain too many people. haha. (I can always reduce the bilbil over time. And when I grow rich, Vicky Belo is just around the corner! bwahahaha)

Whew. Now I am ready to go back to work.

in geology, there is this thing called Uniformitarianism. A farmer in the 18th (? not sure, sir CP will kill me if i got this wrong) century made it. "The present is the key to the past" It means that things that happen today have already happened before.

and isn’t it a coincidence that in the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible, there was a similar verse pertaining to this. that things that "there is nothing new" under the sun (I am using TEV version yata, if i’m not mistaken).

based from my past track record, it’s not exactly the kind of key to the present that i would want to have.

sometimes uniformitarianism is good.

but when you really had the Dark Ages of your life and you messed up real bad, you would want a happy ending. a redemption. a second chance to take on life with a more mature outlook and a keen and graceful quality to handling certain events.

so, i guess since 2 days ago, i tried to alter uniformitarianism in my life.

and i tried my very best to create new memories.

and new memories were created.

i guess there was never a pill for inducing amnesia because we were never really created to forget and repeat mistakes made in the past.

the real glory comes when one transcends the old and painful memories and old situations that you can never ever bring back again.

and living to the fullest amidst it.

=)

i’m giving myself props for trying to deviate from the negative aspects of my life’s uniformitarianism.

and i hope that this won’t end here.

i will do my best so it won’t just end here.